Signs from God to keep plugging along

The above is a pic of my sleepy little Jack Jack dozing in a late afternoon sunbeam (taken in January for our God in the Pixels photo class at church.)

So, maybe I am not going to quite cut it as a monthly blogger. Yips, it's been a year. Yows. So cliche, but time really does zip on by. Perhaps I'm a summer blogger. Things are always incredibly insane with both works from August - October and then again from January to March, throw in the holiday busy-ness in November and December, and that sort of accounts for the year.

Last year had a fair share of lows, (mostly fertility-related which I'm fine sharing) but like anything else, a nice spattering of happy too. It seems crazy to write it like this, but I guess since my last post down there I have been pregnant and then miscarried 3 times. I think I may be quite good at getting pregnant (statistically) but closing out the job is clearly not my forte. We gave up between October and January so maybe that's pretty good. While I can commiserate here and there that this is really pitiful and tragic, my daily work reminds me...that this is nothing! Things will work out. Somehow, they always do. We started up again a few weeks ago, but believe it or not I really might agree that given our schedule and life right now, it might be just as well that we don't get pregnant for a few months anyway.

We are in the midst of emptying out and then knocking down our house - my Grandma's beloved Nuuanu home. The process is chalk full of excitement and also a bit of sadness too. There are so many memories in that house...so we are doing our best to take pictures and I am reminding myself that the new house will be full of many wonderful memories that we have yet to build.


Visit from my long lost student "Bob" (written in January)

A few summers ago (2006) one of my students "Bob" began spiraling downhill. He began to totally decompensate - he began wearing the same tattered clothes everyday, would stare vacantly for hours, had extremely poor hygiene, sunburnt skin from being out in the elements. Both his speech and thoughts were not linear or easily understood. I tried (with hair pulling intensity) getting him re-linked in the state's mental health case management system. I ran into a lot of roadblocks, (and I am inclined to think that I am at decently oriented w/the system as an advocate) and "they" seemed to be suspicious that it was less of a mental health concern and more of a substance abuse issue. Deep in my gut I knew this was purely a mental health concern, yet they refused to collaborate and would simply tell me that he had to follow-up with them and jump thru several hoops. Of course, given his condition, his follow-thru and initiative was poor to non-existent. He had no family, and no support.

So...about all I could do for him at that time was to provide lunch for him and a safe place where he could feel welcomed. Most weekdays he would walk all the way to UH from his rental off Kapahulu. My co-workers were great. They would help by bringing leftovers from their dinners and we would freeze them for "Bob" to heat up. Some days all he did was eat and ramble on a bit and then he would be on his way.

Somewhere around September of that year we lost touch with him and he seemed to disappear. I often wondered what had happened to him, hoping he was alive and safe.

Well, today I got a buzz from our reception staff that he was here to see me. With sunglasses on his head, MP3 headphones around his neck, a stylish haircut, clean clothes, a healthy frame and a big smile on his face he greeted me as I ushered him back to my office.

I learned in my meeting with him that shortly after we saw him last he had been arrested for assaulting a police officer at a local beach. This unfortunate yet fortunate event (the officer was fine) took him thru the judicial system and he was committed to HI state hospital instead of being incarcerated. After a year there and then briefly living at IHS, he now lives in a group home and is supported by an active Case Manager and Psychiatrist. He also works full-time as a groundskeeper and hopes to return to school in the Fall.

He came in to buy me lunch to thank me for helping him and for believing in him. I was on the verge of tears.

Yay for Bob.

One more Cute Jacky pic.

Kate Spades & HcG injections, a sweet week & Charlie

Umm, so maybe this will actually be a monthly blog. I think that might be more realistic. I am starting today's entry with this beautiful shoe. I really don't need it, and I shouldn't have bought it, but isn't it a work of art? I almost think that I should display it somewhere in my house rather than wear it out on the dirty street. Once I round up a group of girlies, I think I will wear it to go and see Sex and the City (the movie) which premieres at the end of the month.

A notable accomplishment I had this month is I learned how to make Chicken Long Rice. Who knew it was that easy? Crazy. I'll have to try it again. I also learned about 4 more ways to workout your arms. They are still flabby, but hopefully I'm making some gains.

We are on month 2 of clomid (boo) and metformin. At least the metformin seemed to work last month because they saw one follicle, so RJ and I are joking that we are now trying for twins. I have been joking around that since I work a lot, it may be more efficient for us to try for 2. My theory is that you somehow figure out how to manage (this theory doesn't apply however to triplets and beyond.) I know it doesn't work like that, but these are the conversations you have while you wait. :) I also got a $100 shot last month and am assuming I will be getting another one this month. This is more of a reason to have not bought the shoes, (and this is said with no major bitterness) but at least with the shoes I have something tangible to enjoy.

Sweet Week+

It was a sweet week and a few days with the little Sis. It's the little at-home day-to-day things that are the best. But we did some fun stuff too. After a one-year hiatus of "real yoga" (not the free 24 hr. type), we got to absorb a session by the guru Ray up in Manoa. I also convinced my boss to let me take a day off (no small feat!) and we had a leisurely day that avoided traffic, included an AM workout, and a super massage for her and a facial for me. We ate well (backyard picnic, B. Chef Thai food, and Ryan's) and (heh heh) I reminded her who the reigning Scrabble Queen of our family is - until she comes back in August of course with a vengeance. I have to say though that she has some intimidating strategies!

Both of my sisters were somehow schooled in scrabble techniques by my Dad growing up. (Benefits of having a parent with Aspberger's. Just kidding.) I don't know if I was oblivious to these lessons or he felt I was unteachable or something, but these teachings seemed to skip me. It was a fun night, ha ha...for the winners anyway. I won't tell you who came in fourth place (or how much he paid for his 13 years of private school education). My Dad was of course on the perimeter obnoxiously telling us what words we could have put down (after the fact) that would've yielded higher scores.

(The above pics were taken in St. Augustine and Universal Studios Orlando. And here is my unsolicited advice: don't EVER bother to go to the Fountain of Youth.)

"Thank you God, for my ability to earn."

This was in a recent thoughtful prayer given by a visiting preacher at our church. In all of its simplicity, it really struck me as being such a powerful reminder of how lucky many of us are - to be able to work. Isn't it so easy to feel so stuck in whatever tricky circumstance we think we're bound to? Deadlines, challenging co-workers, unfair conditions, unreasonable clients...

But my goodness, I think about how I am a diagnosis, accident, or budget cut away from not having a job. It's such a jolting framework shift. That there may be a day when I may just wish, more than anything, that I could be AT work!

Perhaps I've taken this reminder to heart. Or perhaps it has culminated with a less busy time in the semester and other reasons that my attitude has been better about work generally...but work HAS been better. And bad days included, it still is pretty amazing to be paid for potentially helping people every day and working within a caring team.

Some interesting work-related stuff over the past month has been: meeting and learning from some Crisis management and threat assessment experts; and participating in a handful of interviews for some exciting new job positions on campus. I'm hoping to squeeze in a lot more learning over the summer.

Thursday the 8th - Charlie

My biggest prayers go out to one of my students "Charlie" who is in surgery today and will discover upon waking up what the surgeons have amputated. Due to a rapidly deteriorated gangrene toe he was told he would need to amputate a few of his toes or his entire foot. He lives with dialysis 3x week and has multiple disabilities. He was SO close to finishing the semester when this complication popped up. He is asking for any and all prayers during this really scary time. So we are sending prayers his way that there will be a minimum amount to amputate and for the strength and courage to get through this tough time.

Also, congrats and hang in there to our other little sis Megs who has a new little 4-legged baby Nori. He's about a year old and is almost one week new to her.

And, just because, I wanted to send many loving thoughts to O-H-E. I miss you.

2 months, Metformin, and April

Though I've been MIA, I am back and committed to continue bloggering! My goodness the living that happens in a short 2 months. This will undoubtedly be a smorgasborg of ramblings. But I will force myself to post it because I've already deleted several old ones.

I'd like to start it with a happy pic of my Jack. Accompanying caption:
The Adventures of the Manoa Stream Bandits

These are the Jack's friends: Sammy, Bella, Tallie, and Maddie. Seeing them is an at least weekly commitment that Jack's Dad makes. (We of course don't know the names of the other human regulars who frequent the park.) This pic features Jack ignoring RJ as he made a run for the stream with the others.

2 months

In the world of work, things are always full. There was a point there back in February that things were a bit bleaker than usual. Without saying more than necessary, I really found myself trying to reconcile how I do things...and simply wishing I had the wisdom, patience, insight, capacity, support and TIME to do more...for more. And I was feeling a bit beat down (and extremely sad and guilty), feeling that I had failed someone. While this is an occupational hazard, it's one that I prefer over not feeling anything I guess. A month and a half out of it I think I'm in a better spot of maintaining a healthy balance of introspection and self-forgiveness too.

This was followed by also trying to share some extra love with someone on the planet who is extremely important to me and whom I will never EVER, EVER run out of time, love, hugs, and hope for. Did I mention love?

I enjoyed several glasses of champagne (apparently a "flight" means > one) sitting alone in a dueling piano bar in the Paris Hotel during an extended Vegas layover at midnight. Soaked in the welcome rays at Kailua Beach one sunny weekend. Did the Great Aloha Run. Got to see Kenny G in concert for the first time (a sacrificing, but not so thrilled RJ) but he didn't play my fave song!! Helped paint the insides of our friends' newly purchased home. Went to baby showers, and (more importantly) welcomed 4 beautiful brand new babies into the world!

March was full of too much sushi and ice cream (not together) and it's safe to say absolutely no exercise. Our search committee is in the thick of round 2 (let's just say the other guy is winning). The Waioli Tea room plumber hilariously locating Mom's mysteriously missing phone. Prepping craigslist items from my aunty's about-to-be-sold condo. A bunch of weird ER shifts (starting at 2 in the morning) that left me feeling sorta yucky for a few days.

But then there was Easter basket-making and deliveries, and a beautiful Easter Sunrise service reminding us of God's amazing grace. (Jack was on the welcoming committee that early Makapuu morning and was appreciated by the tough Harley riders who always stop by for the service.) Oh yeah, and an awesome candlelight ukulele kanikapila c/o the Rix during Earth hour.

In my attempts to conquer the IPO market (oh well) I was determined to buy VISA. Albeit only 25 measly shares on the next day at 57 (boo), I feel generally okay about it. Folks are already telling me that analysts are labelling it a "sell" but since I'm so bad about selling, I guess I'll just hold it for 10 years. It can't be worse than investing it in a 3% CD. Hopefully it'll have some dividend by then.

Metformin

Some new news - and I really don't feel like it's too private for this blog since it's occupying a chunk of my heart these days - is that we went to see a fertility specialist yesterday. He is the well known one in the land of 808, and it was a very positive experience. He has a patient gentleness about him which was very refreshing to discover...answering the questions we had of him, calling us by name and with good eye contact. (Doctors are notorious for avoiding eye contact in my opinion.) His waiting room gets insanely crowded, and amidst the revolving door of waiting patients were 2 of our very good friends (2 couples) who had appts. before and after us.

So after some in-office tests, he believes that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and has put me on this drug metformin which is typically used for diabetes. The dx is very consistent with miscarriages as a symptom, and certainly other things do add up. (Although I don't - thank goodness, yet anyway - have the facial hair or acne symptoms. Yips.) It was quite a relief yesterday to finally have some information (more to follow I'm sure). The not knowing was really demoralizing. So this is a good start.

Yet a day later, with too much internet research under my belt, I am unsurprisingly going the route of ridiculous extremes with plans to try and drop 20 pounds in the next 2 months, and highly restricting carbs which is basically all I eat (said with sarcasm). So today is day 1 of the meds, preparing myself for the typical n/v/d side effects. It's been about 2 hours since I took it though, and the teeny amount of "funny" I feel could probably be 90% chalked up to my own perseveration about it. So it's safe to say I am at a different spot in my processing about it today and am overwhelming myself with pressure.

But as my sweet Rix reminds me, our love-filled lives ensure that we will be okay no matter what. I am sure that there are lessons to learned about patience that I (ahem) am very far from mastering. There's so much to say about it, but alas that will be for another day.

10 terrific things to look forward to in April

1. the commitment of our NCC volunteer team for Family Promise.

2. Little sis home for 2 weeks.

3. that Jcrew has landed in hawaii-nei.
4. A "hip-hip" wedding and a handful of birthday parties!

5. Planning for Copper Canyon and Victoria - happy times with the 2 fams!

6. lots of cardio and water drinking! (said with optimism, mostly.)

7. getting better at converting text to MP3s for Momsicles.

8. connecting with 120 of my students in blitz style in 10 days.

9. Keali'i Reichel avec le Symphonie.

10. the losties finally getting off the island?

Saying prayers for: energy and health for CC who via chemo is courageously battling "Karla" (the unwelcome tumor); healing for Estelle's family; the beautiful brand new babies and their tired, happy parents (especially the Mommies!); Higashid as she orders her perfect wedding gown; newly pregnant and radiant pal MF; discernment for college-choosing Michael; the many Aloha and ATA employees and families; people in the world who feel discouraged today; safe travels for Mom and Dad; Ohe as she begins a new trimester; Megs as she acclimates to her new job/home; and for us to have a Democratic Presidential candidate soon!

In closing, here is the version of Jack's stream pic that RJ prefers and gets a big kick out of. To this pic, RJ says "that's my boy." Gross.

Pink Party, Birthday Weekend

Thank you to my dear sweet hubs (& Momsicles) for planning a very sweet pink-themed Bday party last week Friday at Krazy Karaoke! They worked so hard catering and picking up various foods, decorating the place with multiple shades of pink (balloons, streamers...) and absorbed such a significant cost. Thank you, thank you, thank you to them and the friends who joined us despite the busy-ness of life. It was a fun night! I think Daren gets the blue ribbon for his petal pink velour sweatpants from the Maternity section of Old Navy. There were plenty o'notable performances - Erin's "Mouth" was excellent! (pink pics to follow later) Thank you also to the kind friends for the fun birthday messages (which was of course at home on my dead phone), beautiful flowers, and generous gifts. Undeserved. (As Rix and the Mom both know, I really hate parties for myself & generally dread them so to be honest I'm really glad it's over.)

Over the weekend, I then enjoyed an indulgent facial and massage c/o Heaven on Earth (Ko'olani location) and 2 dinners with both sets of the Moms and Dads at E&O (excellent fried rice) and Sam Choys respectively.

Our mini-traumatic story of the weekend is that Jack had a crazy choking episode on Saturday night - imagine me on google and RJ in the yellow pages searching for an emergency vet all the while with Jack-Jack doing this weird tongue thing and making funny noises. (Our vet has this maddening long message on his machine that sends people with emergencies to the yellow pages - there's nothing there! I did a really bad version of the heimlich-instructions via google of course- (probably in the equivalent of his throat) and further panicked him. It ended up working out minutes later, but it was extremely frightening. Needless to say we now have the emergency information right at our fingertips. (Here is a pic that Rix took last night of our 2 furry kids sleeping together-between my legs-on the couch.)

I also completed my run of liturgist (with a bizarre new order of worship which I screwed up weekly) and we survived our annual meeting.

As February approaches...I say: 1) Happy Birthday to Popsicles! 2) Go PATS!

Loving prayers sent to: Sandy as she recovers from her CA heart procedure; J-o-n's Popo; thanking God for Shannan O. - it's her Bday tomorrow; and patience for my husband who is yelling at me to come to bed! Bye!

Another 2008 goal

Another thing I'm really concentrating on for '08 is beefing up my skills on doing more for my students with ADD. We are starting a support group this week, and I am hoping to do more, more and more. Here is a perfect excerpt that one of my colleagues shared with me today.

50 (or so) Great Things About Having ADD!excerpt from the poster written by Bob Seay, the excellent and funny web guide at the About.com ADD site!

Entertain your friends with witty one-liners and sharp come backs. ; Insomnia makes for more time to stay up and surf the net! ; The drive of Hyper-focus ; Sparkling personality; Drop names like Edison, Einstein, Walt Disney and Beethoven in conversations ; Can see all of your wordly possessions at one time.. because they are all over the floor ; ENTHUSIASTIC; innovative; A strong sense of what is FAIR ; Willing to take a Risk; Alert ; Eager ; creative ; provides original ideas ; or isn't afraid to steal them. ; Make far reaching analogies that no one else understands. Write them off as "Deep Thoughts" ; Theoretical ; Abstract Thinkers; Spontaneous ; Always Hopeful ; Keeps meetings lively; The Mind of a Pentium - with only 2Mgs of RAM ; Aesthetically oriented ; Pleasantly and constantly surprised by finding clothing you had forgotten about. ; Able to tie seemingly unrelated ideas together; Funny; Able to see The Big Picture while others stumble around in the dark.; Independent ; Demands to know WHY?; Last of the ROMANTICS ; Has a wide variety of interests ; Good conversationalist; Qualify for bulk rate mail on tax returns because you have at least 24 W-2's attached.; At IQs of 160 and above, virtually all people have ADD symptoms; An innately better understanding of intuitive technologies such as computers ; In class popularity contests, always voted "Most Entertaining"; "Most Energetic"; Great Improvisors; Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (did you actually read that?) ; Honestly believes that anything is possible ; Great at Extemporaneous Speaking ; Quickly assimilates new information; Usually a little smarter than the average bear ; Willing to "step out in faith" ; Rarely satisfied with the status quo ; Empathetic; Can easily replace missing childhood photos with panels from "Calvin & Hobbes" ; Pleasantly and constantly surprised by finding money you had forgotten about.; Blows up, but then usually recovers quickly ; An unstoppable dynamo of human energy; Doesn't know when to quit; Intuitive ; Compassionate ; Persistant ; Spunky; Hidden TALENT; Closely attuned to the moods of those around them ; ADD is especially common among artists, musicians, and other creative people ; Can always be depended upon to provide a different perspective ; Visionary; An Individualist; Many successful entrepreneurs exhibit ADD behaviors; Provides job security for writers of Spell Check programs ; Will fight for what they believe in ; Excellent motivators of others; Highly organized, punctual and generally responsible (OK, so I lied);

Believe (part deux)

(Dec. 2: Happy picture of Colt & gang learning that they were headed for the Sugar Bowl.)

This singular event initiated the online frenzy of many a'Hawaii households searching for some type of passage to support our dream team. As luck would have it, we arranged for our route (sans the 2K, 3K, 4K packages) to get us to the coveted...

BIG GAME - Day 2.5

With images of Bourbon Street still dancing in our heads, we roused our little group awake just in time to make the 10:30 last call for Embassy Suites' free breakfast. (BTW, did I mention that for enduring the minor little puka we had in our ceiling we scored a free room for the night? Yay - budget travelers unite! Ooh, and also thank you to my sweet Mom-in-Law for grabbing me a fun green and white feather boa!) After a nutritious balance of bacon, eggs, french toast and potatoes we were ready to start the day. Yum. (I did bypass the grits.) There were only a few red or black shirts amidst the crowd of Warrior fans breakfasting in our hotel. The anticipation for the big game was at its' peak! (Here's our bathroom hole below, complete with bathroom model.)

We then roamed over to the Riverwalk Marketplace and peeked in and out of the stores there. It was more of the touristy fare, however I did get my ring sparkling-ly clean by a very enthusiastic sales guy. I'll have to keep my eye out for this infomercial-ly product as my ring is still gleaming. We ended up buying a some omiyage at the Riverwalk and the boys very sweetly stood in the winding line at Cafe du Monde as we geared up for our beignet treat.

We then scooted on over to (what Dave perfectly penned as) "UH Hollywood" aka the Warriors' Marriott hotel on Canal. The lobby was brimming with UH faithful and besides being the distribution center for ti leaves and stuff, it was a fun people-watching spot. It was a full-house with Mufi, President McClain, Leonard Peters (whoohoo, sorry Rix), coaches, former players, et al...

Post a catnap and our room move we transitioned into our "UH white." Here's another funny phrase: (I giggled about this for awhile) "We're sending the alligator back to the swamp". We then began our warrior nation trek to the game, picking up a few other members along the way.

Finally just seeing the enormity of the Superdome (up close) was a thrill! (I now get so excited and dance around when I see that Saints' VISA commercial.)

We converged upon the fan jam and bumped into many old friends and made new ones. Think Waikiki Ho'olaulea in 50 degree weather. All around you could just feel the electricity and eager anticipation of the Warrior fans. Our cheerleaders and band had an opportunity to do cheers and stuff (they really worked hard, I think overall the sentiment was that this bowl stuff was just really new to them too.) But we definitely need some better cheers. If we are done with the Rainbows, then we gotta have something catchy to replace our "Let's go Bows." Better yet, I think we need some kind of song of sorts. (Mostly, my composing is limited to jingles about Jack and the Creamer-reams, but I'm sure I could start focusing my energies on UH jingles.)

We also had some warm, flavorful jambalaya while we were waiting at the fan jam (I'm gonna try to make that stuff.) Eager folks (like us) were smushed together like Sardines (albeit excited little Sardines) awaiting entry into the dome. It was a quick process and before we knew it we were escalator-ing it up to our seats. Thank you again Eric for the mind-blowingly good seats (Section 517, rows 2 & 3.) We had a perfect view of the whole field and were right in the center of the action on the 45 yard line! Here are some fun pics inside of the dome.

Just being in the Superdome itself was surreal. The noise had nowhere to go but all around. It was such a real deal, professional environment...our boys of course got a lot of cheers just during warm ups. LET'S GO WARRIORS! It was hard to see the mass of folks sitting beneath us, but there sure was a blanket of white above us and plenty of ti leaf "pom poms" being shaken.

We were screaming our heads off - knowing full well that we had a responsibility to cheer for at least 10 other Warrior Fans back home! But, well, we know how this story ends...and early on it seemed apparent that it would not be our 12-0 Believing team's night. (That of course didn't stop us from praying for a miracle throughout the game.) The crowd was looking for any bit of something to cheer for our team. But with no time for our star to do much offensively c/o Georgia's massive and fast D-line, each offensive down starting becoming more and more painful and frustrating to watch. I even resorted to my hanging out in the bathroom desperation plan (which worked BTW for the Boise and UW games). We were no match. To add insult to injury (literally), it was wretched heartbreak watching a beaten-up Colt on the sideline asking to go back in and then retreating to the bench alone, visibly sobbing. Heartache.

My favorite part of the entire game - in the waning minute or so (after Georgia again had possession of the ball) as the clock began ticking down, the Hawaii faithful stood up and applauded this love-able team. You could tell that they were grateful for this gesture and were finding at least a little bit of strength and reassurance in it. Shortly thereafter our Alma Mater was played followed by a emotional unison singing of Hawaii Pono'i. Too bad that didn't make it to ESPN.

Despite being surrounded by thousands of people on Poydras, the midnight walk from the Superdome to our hotel was very cold and lonely. Once we were back in our room, we dreaded the inevitable ESPN lowlights and commentary, and agreed that we all did not want to watch football again for awhile.

(Just a quick note for anyone needing a time-limited entrepreneurial idea: accessible, good food that is open late near the Superdome after bowl games. Boy what a killing someone could have made with a late-night hot dog or sushi stand. There was absolutely nothing open!)

**********************************************************************************

Epilogue on this season - forthcoming

5:00 AM - blogging myself to sleep

Ooh to be crashed out next to my Rix and Jack right now (I tried), but instead my body is still in "survival stay awake mode" since I just came home from the ER (ahem, my 1:30 relief never appeared). I do have a purrrrring orange kitty-cat sitting here on the desk with me enjoying some late nite pets, which is really nice.

Of course, as a HIPAA-abiding employee I have little to say about work tonight, except this. It's nights like tonight that remind me that there is so much good work to be done - everyday. I have to admit that lately I've heard myself declaring out loud that this job is getting "really old". But all I can say is that I really, really believe that God calls each and everyone of us (in any and every way we can) to continue to find more time, love, comfort, and gentleness to share with people who are hurting and I am very lucky to have this unique job that gives me lots of opportunities to shape my perspective on life time and time again. I apologize in advance if this sounds morbid, (because I really don't think it is, but I know I won't have adequate words to sufficiently describe this) but it is an amazing gift sometimes to be able to be with families who are saying goodbye to a patient who has just died. Amidst the sadness, there are generally also so many other layers of love, gratitude, recognition and an indescribable peace in the room. I know this may sound strange, but I often try to envision the person who has died as standing around in the room with us watching & listening to his/her loved ones and all that is being shared. And on the flip side, I really encourage families to share all they want and need to. And all the while I say tons of disjointed prayers for God to jump into each of their hearts to comfort them and to be with them.

Okay I'm cornballing myself to sleep here, so I better try and run to bed to beat the sun. Happy weekend lovebugs.